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Vasaris, the Fuzzy Dragon
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March 2014
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Vasaris, the Fuzzy Dragon [userpic]
Holy freaking Deity-of-Choice

This advice columnist claims to be a psychiatrist.

If that's true, I despair for the psyciactric profession in the UK.

My boyfriend won't let me leave the house
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Don't let yourself be dictated to Dr Victoria Lukats is a psychiatrist and an expert on relationships and dating. If you want to ask Dr Lukats's advice send an email to askvictoria@ukmetro.co.uk.

Dr Victoria works with PARSHIP.co.uk the company that powers our dating service. To find a date on Metrosexual online dating, click here.
If this is the quality of their psych profiling, I'd rather stab myself in the gut with an old, rusty spade.

Dear Dr Victoria... I'm a 36 year old woman and have two children one and five. Since the children came along, I've been out three times, once with my partner and we went to the cinema and twice with friends.

My partner believes that a woman's place is in the home and mothers shouldn't work. I haven't seen any of my friends for over a year. I rarely get to see my family and I don't have a life.

I've tried to discuss it with him but he refuses to babysit and says that I shouldn't go back to work until both children are in school. How can I get my life back?
Well, starting by asking this bint for advice wasn't real bright, I have to say.

Dr Victoria Lukats *cough* Yanno, Dr. Laura's Ph.D. is in something like Physical Therapy or Phys. Ed. and her advice is better. And that's kind of terrifying.

Dr Victoria says... You talked a lot about what your partners wants but you haven't said much about what you want. It looks like you've compromised and sacrificed a lot just to keep your partner happy but it sounds like he's still not happy. Danger, Will Robinson, Danger! Of course you want to have a life outside your role as a mother. This is only natural. Oh, thanks for the validation. The woman isn't saying she thinks there's something wrong with her because she's trapped at home, she wants some idea of how to get the fuck out. How would your partner like to be at work 24 hours a day with no breaks except to sleep at his desk? Doubt he'd like it, but it's not really his problem, is it?

Some women do choose not to work outside the home when they have small children but it's still important to have some outlet. Wow, there you go with the meaningless validation again. Which part of "Help me, I'm trapped and my husband has completely isolated me" are you missing? It's a shame you've let things slip so far from how you'd like your life to be and I'm wondering why you've allowed yourself to be dictated to for so long when you're clearly dissatisfied. Please tell me you didn't just write that. Oh, wait,
you did. Way to go with that victim-blaming. What kind of psychiatrist completely misses the abusive elephant standing in the living room?

You have three options. No, she's only got one, and it's not on your list. Firstly you could do nothing and carry on how you are. Don't worry, lass, the violence will start eventually. Secondly you could start standing up to your partner with immediate effect and do exactly what you want, including returning to work Or, the violence could start right now or thirdly you could think about what you want in the short-term, medium-term and longer term and ease back into the life you want gradually. She does need to do the first half of this, but not where she's living now, and not gradually. This will be easiest if you discuss your plans tactfully with your partner first. Only if she lives on a completely different planet. She needs to pack up the kids and LEAVE WHILE HE'S AT WORK.

For now you could join a gym and go in the daytime by putting your one year old in the crèche for an hour while you're there. Sure, if she wants him to beat the shit out of her. You should get out and socialise a bit in the daytime by making friends with other parents in your local area. Assuming there are any, and athat he allows her that much autonomy, which is unlikely. You could attend a toddler group or join a National Childbirth Trust coffee morning. Uh, huh. Riiiiight. And if you'd like to see more of your family then what's stopping you? You got your degree out of a Crackerjack box, didn't you? Why in fuck should anyone have to explain "Spousal abuse" to a psychiatrist. He has her completely believing that she can't and it often takes intervention and sometimes therapy to make abused partners realize that such isn't true.

Do encourage your partner to go out on dates with you if you want to maintain your relationship with him. Please, please put down the crack pipe and stop lacing that shit with LSD. Some people prefer to stay at home rather than go out too frequently but even so you should still try and set time aside to have some quality time with each other every week. I don't think that you understand that this woman is a posession and not a person to him. I doubt he spends much time considering quality time with his sofa or dining set. Trying to make herself a human in his estimation is just asking for pain -- and I'm not saying just emotional.

Finally, if your longer-term plans involve returning to work then you have no time to waste.True, she needs to leave. Right now, even. It's only 3 or 4 years until your youngest starts school Who cares? If she doesn't leave, she'll be pregnant again before that time comes. So she needs to leave now. and so you should start planning things. Only if by "planning things" you mean locating a shelter and packing her bags to go. If you'd like to retrain or gain some new qualifications then you should think about this now. Because she'll have that opportunity with this asshole. Once she's left and settled will be soon enough for her to seriously consider it. You could even consider studying for an open university degree at home as you could study in the evenings while the children are asleep. Hahahahahahaha. Um. Not likely -- do you really think she has sufficient control over the finances to enroll herself in such things right now? Don't be an idiot. With luck she might be able to manage just that, but not while she's with him. Get real.

Take our free scientific compatibility test to find someone who is really right for you with Metrosexual online dating, click here Given the quality of your psychological analysis, I wouldn't trust you to put the pieces of a toddler's jigsaw puzzle together, much less people.

The Letter writer is

Married to a that's a little controlling, but it's not bad
Married to a that's a lot controlling, but it's still nothing to be concerned about.
Married to a guy that's just on the edge of being abusive, but clearly he'll see the error of his ways if she just stands up for herself
Married to a guy that'll only start hitting if she starts provoking him, so she should just do as he asks
Married to a complete psycho.

The advice colemnist (check all that apply)

Gives excellent advice! Thumbs way up!
Gives decent advice. Some of it is a bit off, but some of it is perfectly rational.
Gives okay advice, nothing to write home about, but it's not like it's dangerous or anything.
Gives horrible advice! Holy shit, where did that come from? Is she high?
Is a total psycho.

Current Mood: confusedboggled

Oh shit, I missed the last part of (Married to a guy that'll only start hitting if she starts provoking him, so she should just do as he asks)

She shouldn't do as he asks, nor "Dr Victoria". She should RUN like last week!