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Vasaris, the Fuzzy Dragon
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March 2014
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Vasaris, the Fuzzy Dragon [userpic]
Concord Comedy Central takes it's show on the road! (or, maybe not)

(disclaimer: conversation approximate, although I didn’t have to modify it that much)

Lily: Did you get CDTT blah blah blah.

Me: Oops. Sorry. When I got a busy signal while faxing the first one I decided to work on entries that have come in. I totally forgot I hadn’t done the second one. Sorry about that. Since your cover page is sitting on the fax machine, how about I just go over and fax that right off to you?

Lily: *completely oblivious* Because it’s not on the website.

Me: Yeah, the website does that sometimes. They’ve been done for a while. Since the coversheet is sitting on the fax machine, why don’t I just go over there and fax it to you.

Lily: *still in her own little world* And I don’t understand why you faxed the second one first

Me: Because I pile up the cover sheets when I do the entries and then take them over to the fax machine to fax. Why don’t I just go do that.

(Yes, I could just look it up on the computer but at this point I am having too much fun messing with her head)

Lily: *quite determined to make some kind of point* Listen to me! It’s not on the website and for some reason I have the second entry’s cover sheet.

Me: I got that. As I said, the other cover sheet is on the fax. How about I go over and fax it to you?

Lily: Why don’t you just read it off to me?

Me: Lily, the cover sheet is sitting on the fax machine. If I need to go over there to get it anyway, why don’t I just feed it to the fax machine and hit redial? Then you can have a hard copy too.

Lily: *is totally the proverbial dog after a bone* But why is the second one here and not the first one? Did you do it first?

(Okay, the point of this question completely escapes me. Why does it matter which was finished first when they’re both done? Like, WTF?)

Me: No, the cover sheets end up in reverse order when I stack them up while I’m doing entries. Why don’t I just go over and fax it to you?

Lily: …I don’t get it.

Me: *bites lip, ‘cause she does not want me to say what I’m thinking*

Lily: Since it’s not on the website and you haven’t faxed back the coversheet I wanted to be sure you got it.

Me: *speaking slowly and enunciating clearly* Lily, I have it. It’s been done for a while; I just haven’t been able to get to the fax machine to fax that coversheet. How about I go do that now since it’s waiting on the fax machine?

Lily: *huffy* You’re not listening to me!

Me: *smirks at the irony* Lily, your entry is done. How about I go fax it to you right now as the cover page is sitting on the fax machine as we speak.

Lily: Okay, whatever.

I am a bad, bad vasaris. I poked the stupid to watch it jiggle and wobble.

*hangs head in shame*

Of course, Lily doesn't seem to be the only deaf/stupid person employed by Concord. I've recently received proof that Concord exclusively hires from the Planet of Incredibly Stupid Women.

(disclaimer: conversation only slightly exaggerated)

Me: Thank you for calling blah blah blah

Jessica: Hi! This is Jessica from Concord!

Me: Wow, they’ve got a new comic tonight! Hi, how are you?

Jessica: I sent this paperwork a while ago and I’m not finding it on your website.

Me: Are you sure your name isn’t Lily? Huh. Okay.

Jessica: Can you check it for me?

Me: Sure. *pause to bring up right screen* G—

Jessica: Are you ready?

Me: —o ahead. What’s your PA—

Jessica: CDTT blah blarg blueurf

Me: *swallows “–PS number”* *hmmmm. tasty* CDTT blah blarg blueurf

Jessica: Yes.

Me: Huh. Doesn’t seem to be in the system. Why don’t you fax it to me and I’ll do it.

Jessica: Really?

Me: OMG, it really is a script!

Jessica: It’s a Kroog.

Me: *blinks audibly* You mean a Kruger Products?

Jessica: Yeah.

Me: I haven’t seen one for you guys. *thinks a moment and foolishly doesn’t put a filter between brain and mouth* Come to think of it I don’t think I’ve seen you guys with anything else.

Jessica: Really?

Me: Wha? Do they train you to say that? Seriously, what is up with that? Well, I think I saw something from back east once that wasn’t Kruger Products.

Jessica: Because I’ve only sent you one shipment today.

Me: *blinks again* *stares at phone* *are we having the same conversation?*

Me: I haven’t seen one for you.

Jessica: You’ve only had one Kruger?

Me: *head, meet desk, it’s really pleased to make your acquaintance*

Desk: Don’t bother trying to explain the actual meaning of “I think I saw something once on Concord that wasn’t Kruger Products. If you do, I’ll grow spikes.

Me: *Hey, now! Now that’s just not friendly!*

Me: No, I’ve had several Kruger today, just none for you. Why don’t you fax it to me?

Jessica: You want me to fax it to you?

Me:… … … <-- me+silent hysterics, best friends forevah, I’m tellin’ you.

Me: *regains control* Yes, otherwise I can’t do it. I don’t have that paperwork.

Jessica: *ping!* *light bulb appears above head, so bright I can see it through the holes in the handset* Oh! Okay. I’ll fax that right now.

Me: You do that. *click*

*falls over and laughs and laughs and laughs*


But if we bred the stupid out of them, imagine how bored we'd get!