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Vasaris, the Fuzzy Dragon
vasaris
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March 2014
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Vasaris, the Fuzzy Dragon [userpic]
Dragon Age II



While I'll not deny my own contributions to the 'Oh, Christ, what?' ending I got on my first playthrough, I'm trying to come up with *ANY* good way for the storyline to end. Srsly.

Companion Crazykakes: Help! Help! Mages are oppressed.
Me: I can see that. My dad was an apostate mage, and so is my sister, dumbass.
Companion Crazykakes: No, they're really, really oppressed. Come take a look at what Templar Krazykakes1 wants to do!
Me: You do know that you're not the posterboy for sanity, right? Calling him Krazykakes does not make you seem any more stable.
Companion Crazycakes: I'm not crazy! I'm just driven. Let us sneak up on Krazykakes1!
Templar Krazykakes1 (to Baby!Mage who wants to visit family): You're evil. Have a lobotomy.
Baby!Mage: WTF?
Templar Krazykakes1: No, really, it's time to take out a portion of your prefrontal cortex. Just submit peacefully. Also, gang rape may be in your immediate future.
Baby!Mage: *backing too slowly away from the crazy* You can't be serious!
Me: Oh, that's so not on. *takes out Krazykakes1*
Baby!Mage: Dude, you totally just make him explode into an inexplicable fountain of gore. Thanks, man! I'm, er, going to go back inside and hope no one remembers that I was trying to go see my mom. Life in a 6x6 cell is much better than being lobotomized.
Companion Crazykakes: See what I'm talking about?
Me: I already knew that mages are oppressed. Did you seriously miss the part where my dad and sister were apostates to keep away from this shit?

Later:

Templar Kommander Krazykakes: You're evil. Be even more oppressed than usual! I'm not going to lobotomize you, but I am going to take out all the natural lighting and install flickering flourescent lights, just for you, and I'll never turn them off. Nighttime is a distant memory for you. That'll totally keep y'all sane and on an even keel so you'll never succumb to evil.
Mages: Seriously, What The Hell?
Templar Kommander Krazykakes: Also, constant full body cavity searches, and not in any fun way.
Mages: This is not okay. What is wrong with you?
Templar Kommander Krazykakes: There is nothing wrong with me, just the universe at large that you people even exist.
Templar Not!Krazy: Wait, what? Dude, this shit is bananas.
Me: Really, Sherlock?
Companion Crazykakes: WHAT HAVE I BEEN TELLING YOU?
Mages and Not!Krazy Templars: *attempt rebellion*
Me: Oh, there's no way that can go badly.
Companion Crazykakes: It's gonna take a war.
Me: Really not impressing me with your stability right now.
Companion Crazykakes: Your vision is so limited.
Me: Will sex calm you down?
Companion Crazykakes: No, but I can fake it.
Me: Right, then.


At the end:
Companion Crazykakes: *blows up big temple*
Me: OMG! Crazykakes, you dumbass!
Me: *chooses the 'kill Dumbass' option, which sucks because Crazykakes was the romantic partner. That's what I get for thinking all through Awakening that he needed an SO.*
Templar Kommander Krazykakes: DIE MAGES!
Me: OMG, Kommander Krazykakes, the guilty party is dead!
Templar Kommander Krazycakes: WHO FUCKING CARES?! *spews crazy like a geyser*
Me: *tries to keep the crazy off* Dude, you're insane.
Templar Kommander Krazykakes: DIE, MAGES! DIE IN A SHOWER OF VERY SHARP OBJECTS!
Me: *Attempts to protect mages, lotsa mages die anyway*
Chief Mage (now dressed in a thick coat of Krazy): OKAY, IF YOU INSIST, WE'LL SUCCUMB TO THE EVIL! DIE BACK, BITCHES! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
Me: Ah, fuuuuuck. It's never a good sign when the chief mage gets infected by the krazy. *fights mages* *fights templars* *character disappears into history*

Me: *stares at end result* How the hell do you get a not crappy result? SRSLY? And this doesn't count the bit about the scary non-human guys 'n' shit.